DIARY OF A BESOTTED FOOL

Tonight, I met a team of the most brilliant doctors in the city. I swear I have fallen in love ten times over! Something about a man's beautiful mind just pulls my heart. Oh, to love and be loved by such a man! Heavenly! 

XOXO,

Miss E

PAINT ME BLUE

So how I do I comfort myself when I'm down with the blues? By listening to God's words, of course! 

I'm not ashamed to admit my eyes watered listening to these songs. I am nowhere near getting everything crystal clear and at every turn, I balk and run. But I will remain steadfast and keep the faith alive. 

God, I trust you.

XO,

Miss E

LIFE NOW

Hello, cyperspace! I am back from the long haul of total websent and okay, Post-Harry Potter depression too. I think I've recovered, thank you very much. Since my last blogpost, my life spun out of control. I've been busy but to be honest, not really busy enough to tear myself from the internet. I was just lazy and figured my writing skills are a bit rusty as of the moment. But tonight and for days now, I have been toying with a few thoughts in my head. First off...

WORK

I finally landed my big butt on a job! From all the endless CV prints, transcript photocopies and folder buying, an employer saw a potential in me and took me under his wing. I was offered a job in a Pharmaceutical company and to be frank, I was not over the moon about it. I was desperate to be accepted in a hospital seeing that as a novice nurse I still have a lot to learn. However, I was frustrated because I did not hear from them and desperately wanted to make something out of my life, so I jumped to my only chance. As the training ensued, I was more and more convinced that this life (Medical Representative) is not for me too. But there were days when I began to love it. I thought that since I was waiting for other offers, why not take a leap of faith in this one? I want to grow and learn the ways of the world. What better way to achieve that than by venturing into foreign ground? 

So I signed the contract for a 6 month-long on probation. Need I emphasize that I was on my own here? Yes, I had friends in the initial days but they gave up and quit. I wanted to follow suit but does that make me a better adult? I made the conscious effort of signing a contract, agreed to its terms and conditions and money has been shelled out for me. In the past, I made the mistake of entering lightly into a job I despised shortly after being hired and quit without so much as giving it a try. Then I realized that this is no longer a child's play. I should honor my commitments, think beyond me and look at the larger picture. Even though I am scared in living on own in a new place, away from my home and my family and friends, I am welcoming the change. As my favorite quote goes, "Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear." The reality that this is life outside school is smarting and depressing at best but what can I do? I refuse to bow down and be called a weakling. True, there are things I easily give up on but in the name of growing up, I will take the challenge and fight like a brave soldier I thought I was. 

So... perhaps a thousand candles will do for my poor soul this time. 

ERR,  WORK-RELATED TOO

Remember me saying I applied to hospitals too? Well, hurray to perfect timing, I got a call. To be precise, I missed their call and my friend told me that it was the HR Dept of Madonna and Child Hospital calling so I begged my sister to call them as I was rooted in the middle of my week-long Medrep training. During my scheduled exam, I babbled to my boss how I had to skip lunch and take my youngest sister to the doctor. I rushed to the hospital to take the exam and felt sure of myself that I had aced it. It was an easy aptitude exam centered mainly in English synonyms, antonyms, idioms and grammar and the Math, goooosh, I'm not one to brag but let me just say, I am so sure of each and every answer except perhaps those I have not been able to. It was that easy. I don't claim that I perfected it but I think I did pretty good. 

I got a call on a Sunday afterwards. It was to inform me that I got accepted in their Orientee program and I was to start on the following Tuesday. I was ecstatic!  Finally, my life was moving in a familiar direction. Although at the time I was having second thoughts. It was not easy to forget that I was in the middle of my product training as medical representative and of course, there was the issue of money. It goes without saying that if I train as nurse here in the Philippines, I would not get paid, or perhaps I will but just the bare minimum whereas if I become a PMR (Professional Medical Representative) I will earn a tad higher and I will be able to provide for my family. 

In the end, I decided to keep the PMR at bay and quit after I have gone to my first orientation in Madonna. And as the protocol was laid in the table, I was increasingly aware that I did not want it too. How can I when they will not issue a work certificate if an employee walk out on them in less than 2 years? They knew nurses' sole purpose is to get that much coveted work certificate and they are holding it tightly in their hands like a iron fist. I did not want to be tied for two years! Just thinking about it is unbearable enough let alone get through it.

I never came back the day after. Oh, I did, yes but not back to the hospital to use my license to good use but to meet doctors in their respective clinics as a new member of PharmAsia-Cuvest. 

Well, so much for my nursing stint.

FINAL DECISION

After weighing things, I decided to give this PMR a shot. No, not for the car. I am at a loss at driving! But really, I thought I will have to face this challenge headlong. I am grateful that I am busy and I won't have to while away the time in front of the computer, stalking Facebook friends over their new lives, wonderful careers and getting more and more depressed by the minute. I loved that life but now, now's the time to change and let the others do the stalking! Haha! 

Honestly, I am not happy happy. But walking along the streets of Iligan, breathing the air and drinking in my new environment, I find solace and something akin to happiness. I survive being on my own this far and I can do it. If I need friends, I know I have the truest ones of them at my beck and call back home. 

I've learned the hard fact that I am in this alone. I can't trust anyone but myself. That although I have friends, they too need to lead their own lives, to chase after their own dreams and occasionally, to be away from me as I to them just so we can grow up. I promise myself that I will not get in the way of it. This is the part where sadness creeps in and I just want to bawl my eyes out but I am made of stronger fiber and I know I can do it. 

There lies a feeling of dread for uncertainty and sometimes I get caught up with my musings about my far-reaching dreams, why my life is like this, why I'm not unraveling a success story here and now that I have earned an education, where's the good life that follows? But I will trust in the Lord and I know He will not falter me.

XOXO,

Miss E 

THE MAGIC LIVES ON

                I can still remember it as though I have not aged ten years. Funny how easily I forget things but never how I first fell off my high horse and into the arms and pages of these dog-eared books about The Boy Who Lived.

                I was twelve then and although I began to shed off the streak of childhood in me, I was never that fond of reading. Like almost everyone in my class, I thought of it as a bore and dreadful task. I scarcely imagined being able to finish off a book in its entirely, finding it plausible that I would lose heart halfway, put it down and shove in its rightful place in the shelves, undisturbed. I derived various kids’ games for entertainment than being cooped up in one corner immersed in a strange world nobody knows or even care about. However, my tone suddenly changed when one of my classmates recommended that I read Harry Potter and the Sorcerer’s Stone. You could not imagine my hesitation. I have never read for pleasure, mostly my readings stem from obligation as a student preparing for exams but never for fun.  I thought to myself that I will not be able to see through the end. I have little patience for books without pictures believing that I was a visual learner. A book on a hundred words alone would not suffice to entice me. I almost gave a flat-out no but turning the book to its front cover, curiosity mingled with wonder got the best of me. The words witches, wizards, broomstick and magic came into sharp focus. The boy with the incredible lightning-bolt scar flying on a broomstick egged me further and in spite of myself and better judgment I decided to give the golden book a try.

                And returned it within a few days (I was a slow reader then) hungry for more. I read Harry Potter as fast as my twelve-year-old eyes could drink in the words. I went to bed late making up excuses that I was studying when in fact, the pages of the Harry Potter was propped open in the table under my schoolbooks. I woke up at the crack of dawn or as soon as the light filtered through my window just to continue where I left off and throw myself in the Wizarding world I have come to love. I even feigned headache and fever that day I got hold of Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire so my mother would let me skive off afternoon classes. Come to think of it, I chose Harry Potter above all else. In my sophomore year of high school when I was fourteen, the fifth installment was released and I begged my Mom to buy it offering that I will not rent a locker in school that year. Can you just imagine? We had gazillion books, notebooks and our house seemed like a mile away from school. How can I manage to lug around all of my school stuff without breaking my back? All logic and reasoning flew out the window as if someone Accio’d them out. In that moment of my frenzied excitement, I put off my homework and began to read the moment I arrived home from the mall. In the end, my mother consented to give me money for locker rental. She must have feared that my hunchback stance would become permanent. Also, in my senior year of high school I watched the Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire premiere despite the fact that I greatly needed to study for a Social Studies Quiz bee the following afternoon. Needless to say, my teammate and I lost. These were just the few instances Harry Potter clouded all of my priorities. I know it was bad but at that point in time, being reunited with the Harry Potter and his mates was the only thing that mattered most to me.

When I first realized the joy of reading it all started the beginning of a dream, an adventure and a life I knew one day I want to live in. You see, Harry Potter to me is not just a book. Yes, everyone says that. All the Potterheads and die-hard fanatics of the book would say that. And who am I to beg difference? Yes, I am a Potterhead through and through. I read my first Harry Potter book when I was almost their ages. The Order of Phoenix, Half-Blood Prince and Deathly Hallows all came out in my adolescence, almost exactly how the characters in the book were presumed to age. I feel like half of my life IS Harry Potter. Harry Potter to me is not just a fictional character in a book; rather he’s very much present in me. He lives in me. I see a huge chunk of myself in him. His bravery and esteemed regard for friendship won me over. A person so young and naïve but with such goodness made him a great wizard worthy of admiration. He’s someone who’s never known love, been maltreated and dealt with a bad card yet these things never hindered him from opening himself to others. He is such a pure soul. And I admire him because he has taught me these things. For someone who has lost everything and been treated poorly, he could still see the positive side in all things. He manages to let love and goodness prevail. But mostly, the book’s greatest lesson, and I’m speaking on my behalf on this, is that no matter how lowly you think of yourself now, time will come when you will rise above this and become triumphant. Who could imagine a boy whose name is being uttered in disdain by his living relatives is someone who has been the talk of the whole Wizarding world and whose said name is mentioned in reverence and adoration? It just goes to show that somehow, we are worth than what we are given credit for. The man with heart of a lion is the Harry Potter I know and have grown with in the years. It is his character that have captivated my heart and charmed me in the most inexplicable way. I am not unaware of the mockery that tails when people realize how far gone my obsession has reached. But I could care less. They could only understand when they walk in my shoes. Try living with the ghost of your ambitions for ten years and tell me how that won’t change you.

Then of course there are the sidekicks that we adore just as much as the main character himself. Personally, Hermione Granger is the character I want to but can never be. She is extremely smart and logical but her friendship with Harry and Ron curbed her innate smugness. She is loyal in times of need and fair when justice is called for. I love how she bickers with Ron like everything he says and does just annoy the life of her. But it is essentially this infuriating manners drew her to him. Their attraction is undeniable although both refused to acknowledge it at first. But things have a way of working out in the end.

Ronald Weasley, he’s one bloody hell of a character. His lines are funny and I enjoy hanging out with him. His family is one interesting lot too. I can relate to him in a way that I too come from a large family with several siblings. I know how hard it is to struggle finances and making all ends meet. But somehow, the Weasleys have made it. Like Harry, I am fascinated by everything about them and what they represent – a happy and loving home, teasing siblings, rivals for affections of their parents and a thirst to prove they can create a name outside the shadow of their elder brothers before them. On another note, I love how he antagonizes everything Hermione thinks. Both of them clearly are in need of each other. And I’m glad that finally, Ron has come to his senses and made Hermione his first choice and “not as a last resort.”

As the days rolled into the inevitable ending of the Harry Potter franchise, there was a bubble of unexplainable grief brewing inside my heart that I carried for days. I could not put a finger on why I was so depressed that the ending is near. I wasn’t like this when I watched the Deathly Hallows Part 1. It was only now that reality started to sink in. I began to realize that gone are the months I would eagerly wait for the release of the movies and the books. There would no more be Harry Potter movies to anticipate each and every year. No more late-night bed readings of the latest Harry Potter installment or trivia. And the actors and actresses who had given life to the friends I have only read about will go on their separate ways. I will never see them again except in the pages of the books or in the movies. It was a depressing prospect and I found myself containing the tears that have been building up inside me. I wanted to celebrate the end but it was not a joyous moment for me. My insides raged for relief as my mourning turned inward. I grieved for the lost of my childhood, adolescence and young adulthood that I transcended because I carried my wand of wisdom from the Harry Potter series with me all the time.

When I watched the Harry Potter Deathly Hallows Part 2, I wanted to cry so hard because I felt with each ticking of time, that little fiber that held me to my past was slowly ebbing away. And no matter how hard I held on, I could not do anything to halt it. And as I let go, I knew that things will get hard before they better.

I will forever be grateful to JK Rowling for fabricating the greatest story I have ever read in my entire life. It was her who inspired me to become a proficient writer. I wanted to touch lives in the same way she had touched mine through the world of Harry Potter. It never fails to amaze me how her books can connect me in various levels of my being. I thanked her for making me believe in magic and teaching me to never lose that interest. I am forever indebted to Jo and I can only hope that one day, I will write amazing stories such as she had done. Maybe not as raving but in the least, it warms my heart to think that I can make anyone happy or feel inspired with my words.

         I know Harry Potter has ended and there is no way to sugarcoat that fact. It is hard for us who has lived through a decade of their lives journeying through every day with the amazing characters the world has ever known. But as Jo has put it, “Hogwarts will always be there to welcome you home.” ●

XO,

Miss E

DAY 4

DAY 4: A PICTURE OF YOUR FAVORITE NIGHT

Our 1st night in the Disneyland, Hong Kong was my by far my favorite. There may be a number of nights I will never ever forget in my lifetime but that one night of freedom, anonymity, adventure and childhood fantasy never equal to anything I have ever experienced in my life.

*Sigh* I'm pining on going back on a trip. The thirst for seeking thrill in a foreign ground and discovering this amazing world fuel my desire to do just that. The low fare promos of various airlines didn't help matters. I am so itching to fly! I hope the time comes my life could take the plunge again. Perhaps soon. 

XO,

Miss E

DAY 3

DAY 3: A PICTURE OF THE CAST OF YOUR FAVORITE TV SHOW

GOSSIP GIRL is my all-time favorite TV show. Who doesn't love the spectacular views of the Upper East Side? And the equally charming lives of Manhattan's elite? From sweeping penthouses to vacations wherever part in the world, Gossip Girl sure has taken me from the reality of my own world. Initially, I became hooked due to their incredible and simply to-die-for outfits but episode after episode the love story of Chuck and Blair won me over. It was something I have always looked forward to. I think it's one of a girl's silly dream to be able to "change" a bad guy into a good and decent man. I thought Blair had succeeded but she failed. After the Season 4, I know somehow it's hard but it's time to ... let go. She deserves so much better. So much more. And may the new season prove just that. <3

XO,

Miss E

DAY 2

DAY 2: A PICTURE OF YOU AND THE PERSON YOU HAVE BEEN CLOSEST WITH THE LONGEST

This girl is three things:

1. She could piss the hell out of  me.

2. She could manipulate me like no one can.

3. And she could turn my mood into rage blackouts.

But she's my dearest sister. A year my junior. We've shared several things TOGETHER. Baptismal (Yes, I was 1 year old when I was welcomed into the Catholic fold), birthdays, punishments (I swear she's almost the one with the evil schemes), clothes (pretending to be identical twins), shoes (Hurray for identical footsie sizes), school things and a lot more. And up to now, we're still roomies as we have been since we were banished from the marital bed.

It's having a sister almost my age that makes life more interesting. We're brutally honest with each other and I can always rely on her opinion on what looks great on me and not. And being her sister, she can be assured that I am one of the few people in the world who can give her the most constructive criticism many would feel awkward to say to her face. No need to sugarcoat anything. 

I have four sisters and I love them all equally but this is my sister who has been my very first best friend. My earliest memories, and the gazillion photos prove how my life is chronicled with hers. I was never the lone child. I had always a playmate, confidante and friend with me. And I remember how totally unfun it was to be stuck at home having been prohibited to go out but thankfully, having a sibling ease the boredom. We always had a grand time, just the two of us. Now that we're older, somehow I could not fathom how my life would be like without her. It's like a simple mathematical equation really, it just "cannot be."

And everyday may seem like a battle between us with the constant bickering and fights on a daily basis. Sometimes we may go off to bed with grudges but it is by her that I have proven that truly, "Love means not having to say you're sorry." For the many times I have hurt you, know that I could never bring myself to hate someone I have loved for so long.

XO,

Miss E