FIRST LOVE'S DEMISE

There's danger in wanting to know the truth. It might not turn out exactly what one wanted to hear. And there is no turning back to not knowing what was already been told. :(

I truly did not relish the fact that everything was a big game. Just a web of lies spun by a master. How I wish I had seen it all coming. I would have exchanged the truth for the lie any day. But I realize, if I hadn't faced the reality, would I allow myself to walk this earth gullible to what was happening? I certainly don't think so. At least I am spared from pining on a hopeless case, from dreaming of what-could-have-beens and from holding on to something that wasn't there to begin with.

He was my first love. He turned many of my frowns into heaps of laughter. He was my Prom Dream. He was sitting inches beside me, within my reach ... but never was I within his heart. Yes, it pains me a lot like you couldn't imagine. Even writing this down is no mean feat. I'm using every ounce of self control not to break down in front of DELL and bawl like a baby. Like I so wanted to. So I'm pretending, taking every shattered piece of my heart in stride, faking a smile, forcing a laugh and trying to see the light in this dark of a situation.

I couldn't deny that my ego is bruised. Apparently, I led myself to believe there was a tiny bit of admiration coming from him when there was actually none. I hate to admit that I was in the wrong. I did not read the signs too well. I failed. Miserably.

However, it's time to set myself free from this bondage that has slaved me all these years. I take my heart back and can only hope that someone in the end deserves it.

The days will be long. The nights will be punctuated with gloom. But I will get through it all. No matter how hard it seems, I will come out strong. My only revenge is to see his regrets. 'Cos she may be lucky to have him but the guy who'll have me is luckier. And he can wish on every falling star he sees, but I would no longer be his dream-come-true.

I guess all I have left to say now is... GOODBYE.

XO,

Miss E

I HAVE A DREAM

and I'm praying this is the answer.

XO,

Miss E

BLAME IT ON THE A-A-ALCOHOL

March 5, 2011

Saturday

Attempted to get drunk but the alcohol only lulled me to sleep. What an epic fail that was! This was our supposedly sleepover-to-wastedness but we only watched a movie Burlesque, drank a shot of Flaming Margaritas and a bottle of T-Ice before I bid them and the world adieu. It was great to bond with my high school lovies though. It's amazing how 8 years of friendship could still be as it once were, more so now that we have grown together. LOVE YOU GIRLS! ♥♥♥♥

Since we did not accomplish our mission, thank God for next time. And it comes in the form of "Friday." Can't wait!

Have a great day everyone!

XO,

Miss E

SHOULD HAVE KNOWN

THAT I'M NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

TO BE YOUNG AND IN LOVE LIKE THAT

Hello, everyone! How time seems to fly us by, don’t you think? Since I was my sister's Creative Director-slash-over-all stylist, I made sure that she will have an unforgettable night. As you can tell, I was more than happy to guide her. If only I knew then what I know now. Oh well, enough with the yearnings, it doesn't matter anymore. At least, I can impart my learning experiences to her. And there were a lot.

Anyway, I want to do a Prom Special here on my blog since that's my frustration. It has been my dream to become a magazine writer for Candy or Seventeen. Seeing as that is next to impossibility, might as well take advantage of the influence of internet. I get published in the least. teehee. :p

So here's my TOP 5 LIST OF WHAT YOU SHOULD KNOW WHEN ATTENDING PROM:

1. THE DRESS

Whether it's a long gown or a cocktail, flowing and dreamy or Princess-y and ballgown, your dress on Prom night should be what you have always envisioned yourself wearing! If you're a true girly-girl, I'm sure you have stacked photos of your dream dress. And if you haven't, well, I know you can pretty much sketch the whole thing straight out of your vision. Just remember that your dress shouldcompliment your body structure. No matter how beautiful your dress is if does not flatter you in all the right places, then it is a fiasco. Likewise, a simple outfit could make you a stand-out if it fits you perfectly.

2. THE SHOES

Girls at 14-16 hardly wear high heels due to restrictions imposed in school rules. Flat leather shoes are only allowed in the school premises blah blah blah. Of course, school administrators know that high heels only pose danger to students. Could you just imagine trudging up and down the stairs to your 6th floor classroom in your 5-inch stilettos? I don't think so. But during Prom night, you are finally allowed to don heels at your own choosing! However, keep in mind that this is your FIRST TIME. Try 3-inch shoes with thick platforms and stable heels to provide you with more balance. In this way, you can enjoy dancing the night away without worrying too much about your aching feet!

3. THE ACCESSORIES

They say that accessories can make or break an outfit. With that being said, try to balance everything. If your gown is already heavily beaded in the neck, then probably you can lay off on that necklace. Or if your gown is too plain in the front, you can wear dangling or drop earrings, some bracelets and a ring. Whatever your dress is, the key is to equalize the whole outfit together to bring all things into harmony.

4. THE HAIR AND MAKE-UP

A trusted Hair and Make-Up artist is essential. Before going to your appointed schedule, you must have a clear idea of what you want your hair to be done or your face made up. Your HMAU artists are not psychics. Thus, they do not know exactly what you want. They can try to match your look with your dress but a vivid imagery of what you want things to run is better. Try scouting for that hairstyle you desire beforehand and show a picture of that to your HMAU artists. A very intricate style might not feasible. Keep an open mind and try to compromise. After all, your HMAU artists sure know what's best for you!

5. YOUR DATE

What is Prom without that dreamboat you've always fancied about? This is finally your chance to go out with someone with your parents' wholehearted consent. However, not all stories have similar happy endings. Probably that guy you've been eyeing on already asked someone out. Or that person you wanted to go with is a senior and cannot attend and you're too shy to do the inviting. There might be several reasons why you are stuck in a panic, dateless. Relax. Breathe. Prom does not always spell romance. Sure, it's your one chance to live your dream of being in the arms of your crush, but that's not the be-all and end-all. An honest-to-goodness guy friend might be a sound idea. After all, having known each other, all the awkwardness will be gone and you will spend the rest of the night laughing your hearts out and having the time of your lives.

And who knows, after that fateful night, things will stir up in its natural course. *wink, wink*

XO,

Miss E

BEST DAY OF MY LIFE

FLASHBACK TO FEBRUARY 19, 2011

As February started reeling in, the air became thick with more than the usual scurry of anxiety. No, the Valentine's Day event could not take credit for it. I will save that worry for next year. But yes, February was inevitably the month when the board exam results were slated to be released. All those fears of the unknown and qualms stashed in the back of my head came rushing back to the surface. I could not hold them in any longer. And like water in a dam, they burst forth with equal pressure and force. Every day ticked like a bomb waiting to explode with the most vital information of my life - the determinant of my fate.

We had been getting hints that the NURSING LICENSURE EXAMINATION (NLE) results will soon be in. To be frank, I wanted it to be over. I was sick beyond my limit, staying in at home, dreading over the possibility that somehow I will not make it. I was THISCLOSE to losing what little bit of sanity I have left. And you could just imagine that I did this EVERY SINGLE DAY. Surely now you understand where I’m coming from.

Since I left my job as a call center agent (CCA), I had a lot of time in my hands. I buried myself in Facebook News and Twitter pages, agonizing and waiting alongside my batchmates. Occasionally, we'd read posts from various "reliable source" that it was only a matter of minutes before our wait ended. As my brain registered its meaning, I froze in silent death, my heart hammering over my chest, a gazillion dark thoughts running through my mind as I start obsessing over "WHAT IFs", and almost giving in to my nerves and start bawling my eyes out. Then after a considerably long and painful hours accompanied by cold, clammy skin, the blatant and hard truth slapped us awake, only to tell that it was all a fluke. The results were yet to be published! I breathed a sigh of enormous relief, glad that I was spared by a few more days.

On that night of February 11, 2011 when I experienced my first NLE "SCARE", I was able to sleep early, an exceptional feat and a first in ages (being a CCA turned me into a nocturnal animal). The adrenaline and anxiety attack bid my insomnia goodbye. My circadian rhythm was back on its former glory.

Although I could assure you that it was a sound slumber, every morning I woke up to felt like a dream, more so like a nightmare, I must add. The looming possibility, that it was only a matter of days when all our fears would be laid to rest was enough to keep me on my toes, and permanently kept me in a bundle of nerves. Although Mr. Marco Sto. Tomas, a member of the Board of Nursing, clarified in his Facebook page that the 20^th was aptly the target date of release, I still could not help but turn into a mush whenever I hear new tidbits regarding latest updates.

News traveled fast that our college dean mentioned that the result was moved on the 15^th. When that day arrived, every single emotion of what I felt in my first NLE SCARE was made apparent. It seemed as if I was unprepared (I thought I was ready then!). I wanted to give anything to slow down time, to halt the inevitable. Inside I was weeping in silent grief, in anticipation over what was to come. But then, as you can now tell, it was yet another hoax designed to heighten our fears. Another false alarm! I wasted precious minutes over nothing! I was relieved but I became restless. When will this paralyzing fear end?

On the 16^th, a friend sent a text message that Mr. Sto. Tomas allegedly confirmed that board takers should watch out on the 17^th and 18^th for possible release. I did not want to drag people into further anxiety so I kept the news to myself. I did not want to be amongst the people who caused others’ anxieties to skyrocket in an untimely manner. So I waited… and excruciating so as I could not share it to anyone. Furthermore, I had to keep a brave front when friends started to lose it and projected their fears on me. I kept reassuring all of them that their fears were pointless. We were all going to pass! But in my heart of hearts, there’s this gnawing doubt, a small voice that said, “Anything IS possible. There’s always that two sides of the coin, either you pass or you . . . fail.”

Had that examination been easy, I would not have writhed in apprehension. I would have gone on in my merry ways, confident that I made it. But the truth is, it so was not. It was a very difficult exam that shook me to the core. I realized how futile all my review and studying were. It did not help me immensely with choosing the right answers. I had nothing to rely on except to bow my head in prayer to God, fervent and hopeful that His divine intervention was the salvation I needed. I had done the best that I could and the rest was up to His mercy.

When the 20^th drew near, I again received news that the results will soon come out on midnight of the 19^th or at 12:00 – 2:00pm. Needless to say, I slept late once again. To my dismay but yes, enormous relief as well, it was not true. But at this point, I was growing impatient. I needed the results to officially jumpstart my life. I needed that confirmation so I could map out the life that I wanted to live from this moment on. That afternoon, I caught a nap because I did not sleep easy the night before. When I woke up, my friends and I were even texting and contemplating that the results will probably in by Monday, on the 21^st.

As I was checking my gmail account, I signed in on Facebook and received the biggest shock of my life. On our group page, a fellow batchmate posted a vague command to open the bon.gov.ph website. I knew what that post meant. But I was already consumed by paralyzing fear and cowardice. I could not bear to do it myself. I started to hyperventilate, my palms wet in seconds and my heart pounding loudly and heavily. I seemed to have lost contact with the universe. It was an out-of-body experience! When I gained myself back, I chatted my friends and asked them to do it for me. That few seconds it took for my friends to reply was the looooooooongest seconds of my life! One friend replied back that she passed. My eyes were welling with tears! I was thinking, did I fail because she only used the pronoun “I” and not “We” As in HER and ME?

I hurriedly checked my phone and was surprised that I got a lot of text messages. But as I opened my INBOX, I found the one message that brought me to tears.

After reading that and believing that it really was indeed true, I checked the website for myself. With shaking and cold hands, I hastily scrolled down to letter C.

As I stared at my name in utter disbelief and gratitude, I let out a scream. In a matter of seconds, torrential tears streamed down my face. I could not help it. I was crying! Just when I learned I passed too! It was a heady feeling. I, EDEN NYSSA AMPARO CAGAS PASSED THE BOARD EXAM!!!!!!!

I wasn’t dreaming, was I? It was the greatest feeling in the world. I felt floating. I was soaring. I was HAPPY.

And in that moment, I felt infinite.

XO,

Miss E